I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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