The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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