My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
