i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
