sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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