there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
