I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize