I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
