i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
