R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
