just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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