Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
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