i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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