she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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