i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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