When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize