how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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