i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
