ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
