I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
