I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
