I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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