also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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