Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
