Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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