My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
sex in a hospital.. check
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I forget how to act sober
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize