Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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