some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
