dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
