nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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