All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Terrible idea I love it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
