Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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