Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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