Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
