Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
