We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
