literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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