You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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