So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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