He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
