Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
