My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
