drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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