At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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