from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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