roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
