I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
