I accidentally had phone sex last night
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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