non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
