My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
