I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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