Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
