She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Boobs are out for the taking
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
