I think i peed on brittanys purse
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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