Porn is love you can see.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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