I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
