He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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