Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
