I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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